WhatsApp chat of female characters from books about men
Eve
Girls!!! I need your help. I woke up passed out in a garden with a guy I’ve decided to call “my rock bottom” lolz. I think he might be a bit of a wrong'un - he’s been telling me all morning that god made me just for him and I used to be his rib. Don’t want to kink shame but WTF????
Helen of Troy
Oh no. NGL. Why is there so much drama at the moment?
Generic wife from On the Road
What has he taken? Don’t panic - has he started talking about jazz yet?
Eve
He said a voice in his head told him that I’m not allowed to eat any apples and if I do I’ll have to leave immediately. So obviously I “accidentally” ate an apple in front of him so I could bounce but now he’s decided he’s coming too. I think he’s sobering up though because he’s just realised we’re both naked :-/
Helen of Troy
It's so annoying when guys get obsessed with you, right? I mean…I GET it…
Lucy Dracula
Sorry just seeing this lol. I thought I had bad taste in men??
Helen of Troy is typing…
Eve is typing….
Generic wife from On the Road is typing…
Lucy Dracula is now Lucy Westenra
Lucy Westenra
Don’t get mad but I’m still seeing Vlad.
Helen of Troy is typing…
Eve is typing….
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Lucy Westenra
He still won’t see me during the day and only calls round at night unannounced…He can be a bit selfish in bed, I guess. He’s really into sinking his teeth into my neck and slurping my blood for hours while he lays on top of me barely moving. If I’m honest I don’t really get anything from it, but he really seems to love it and maybe if I just relaxed a bit, I’d get into it? He said other women love it?
Eve
It's a no from me girls.
Lucy Westenra
TBH when he does leave, I mainly feel drained, exhausted and devoid of any will to live. But what can I do? All the men around him seem to really love him or want to kill him, it’s hard to tell. He says he literally needs me to live though! I know - it's so cute??!!!
Helen of Troy
Possessive guys. I get it. BELIEVE ME. I get it…
Lucy Westenra
So you guys don’t think I’m crazy?
Helen of Troy is typing…
Eve is typing….
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Eve
U do u hun x
Lucy Westenra
Xxxxxxxx
Lucy Westenra is now Lucy Westenra Dracula
Generic wife from On the Road
Well my moron husband and his annoying friend have gone on another trip to find themselves. He’s off to ride the rails, work on a parsnip farm, collect dog shit in Nebraska. Find the REAL AMERICA.
Eve
But don’t you guys live in Manhattan? Doesn’t he want to be a writer???
Generic wife from On the Road
No silly!!! According to him - proper culture is on a peanut farm in rural Ohio that we’ve probably never even heard of - that’s where the REAL art is happening.
Lucy Westenra Dracula
Jesus. He sounds more draining than my guy.
Generic wife from On the Road
If I have to listen to him try to make small talk with the gardener one more time about “the working man” or attempt to smoke a joint with the plumber, I will die from embarrassment. It’s humiliating. I mean I could maybe tolerate it if he had a job.
Lucy Westenra Dracula
Sometimes I’m worried Vlad is struggling with money because he only seems to have one outfit.
Generic wife from On the Road
I mean - he’ll be back in six months, broke, talking about some poor Mexican girl who’s the only one who gets him even though he doesn’t speak Spanish.
Helen of Troy
Drama is the worst, right? I hate drama. You know me. Sometimes I wish I could just choose myself.
Eve
Fine. Go on Helen. How are things with you??
Helen of Troy
Oh no. It's so cringe. I don’t want to say.
Generic wife from On the Road
OK cool. Anyone reading any good books?
Helen of Troy
Well, it's so random and I’m so embarrassed but there are two guys who are literally so obsessed with me, they've both launched, I want to say military conflicts??? To win my hand in marriage???
Lucy Westenra Dracula has left the group
EVE
OK I’m literally hiding in a bush, naked, trying to ditch a guy who's been telling me he looks identical to god for the past hour.
Generic wife from On the Road
WTF? How long has this been going on?
Helen of Troy
About ten years. I haven’t spoken to either of them since it started.
Eve
They're at war over you but you haven’t spoken to either of them in a decade?
Helen of Troy
To be honest they mostly seem to just want to spend time with their friends wrestling, in leather loincloths, rubbing oil onto each other's groins.
Generic wife from On the Road
Both of you. Come round to mine. Bring wine. NO JAZZ RECORDS. And garlic. Just in case Lucy brings her creepy boyfriend.
Eve
He sounds like a total snake.
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