Sleeping Beauty responds to leaked joke controversy with reminder - guys I've been asleep for 100 years!
When I, Sleeping Beauty (f/118) married Prince Charming (m/22) he KNEW I had been asleep for 100 years. And yet now, two years into our happily ever after, he says I’m too old fashioned and some of my views make him feel uncomfortable. Can I ask you all honestly - AM I THE ARSEHOLE??!
He literally awoke me from a century long coma with a kiss - how is it my fault I don’t know how to work anything in the castle? When I ask him to remind me, he screams that he’s already written it down and I’m worse than his granny. Well excuse me for not knowing how to use a harpsichord. And it's an extra low blow because he knows I used to babysit his gran.
In our early days he said he liked how traditional I was. He said my opinions were, and I’m quoting him directly here, “a breath of fresh air!” He said it was exciting how I wasn’t afraid to tell it like it is. Yet now everything I say to his friends is “embarrassing”.
Apparently, it makes people uneasy when I tell them about my evil fairy godmother putting a spell on me because my parents didn’t invite them to my christening. I can’t say “fairy” I have to say “gay” and they weren’t evil - just “coping with our homophobic family’s rejection in an unhealthy way.” Well facts are facts. A magical spinning wheel wasn’t the only prick that ruined my childhood and no I don’t need therapy to talk about it.
Everyone is so sensitive now. My sister-in-law literally couldn’t get to sleep once because there was a pea under her mattress. Oh she loves telling this story, again and again. I slept through three dragon attacks, a plague and the death of every single person I know but, I’m supposed to find it really cute and quirky that a single marrowfat ruined this little unicorn’s nap? I felt sleepy just listening to her.
God forbid you accidentally ask Cinderella to tidy up after herself - the girl has a breakdown, I didn’t know? Traumatic childhood, I’ve got bedsores bigger than your problems love.
And I’m sorry but in my day we called dwarves “dwarves”. There, I said it. They worked down the mines. I didn’t know it was “politically incorrect” to ask which one was Sleepy and who was Dopey. How is that disrespectful??? My best friend lived with dwarves most of her life and she never learnt their real names. They were like family to her! That was their culture then. We didn’t have dwarves called William in my day, we just didn’t. How am I in the wrong? That was a whole training day I had to do.
Also, are you really trying to tell me NO ONE throws old crones down wells anymore? Look, I don’t care where that woman was the Ambassador of, let's get real. She was an old woman in a cloak. Don’t sit her beside me when there’s red apples in the room, that is just common sense. Did I cross the line by demanding to check her bag for haunted mirrors? Maybe. Did I ruin the wedding? According to my husband - yes, yes I did. Well, well done everyone, I’m cancelled. Hope you're happy. I thought Snow White was annoying, snowflakes are worse!
Last week there was, I’m sorry to say, a FISH at a ball at the palace. OK, evidently, she was born a mermaid and now identifies as a princess, but you mustn’t ask if she still has gills. How was I supposed to know that? I had to apologise and she just sat there smirking, saying nothing. I thought bloody hell - did someone no platform your mouth you smug drip. Move on for god's sake.
Obviously I’m going to use this as an opportunity to learn. To reflect. I want to do better but last night, there was a FROG everyone was treating like a PRINCE. He was a FROG. Eating flies at the table and everybody acted like there was nothing odd or strange about the situation. I couldn’t take it anymore so I asked him if he was feeling jumpy – AS A JOKE TO PUT HIM AT EASE - now I’m banned from the opening of Parliament!
I’ll ask you the same question I’ve been screaming at Prince Charming all night - why can't anyone take a joke anymore??!!!
Like my newsletters? I have a new podcast about celebrity breakups! Every week, a different comedian delves into a famous break-up they never got over. Brad and Jen, Mick and Marianne, Ellen and Anne - they’re all there! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll laugh again. Subscribe here:
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-way-they-were/id1598595577
Maybe you’ll also like my online sketch videos! Find them all here: